18th May, 2007
Books and Birthdays
Today is a weird day. Tomorrow my precious baby turns 10 years old. We are hosting a sleepover tonight. I will have no food left tomorrow. I know that most of you see the passage of time like the hands on the clock spinning out of control. I definitely see it that way. I was updating or What We’re Reading section and it floored me that Elijah has now discovered the beloved Dr. Seuss. These were Joe’s favorite books since infancy. He would rock to sleep in the rocking chair every night to The Sleep Book, or If I Ran the Zoo or the Butter Battle Book etc, etc. I guess the fact that our family has made it this far amazes me because of where we started and all the bumps we endured along the way. Joe’s birth marks the fragile beginnings of our family life together. I was 18 years old when I found out I was pregnant with Joe. My husband and I had only been seeing each other a few months and secretly at that because of the disparity between our ages. It was a nightmare. The guilt and the shame are incomparable to anything I had ever experienced. I had grown up in the church. I loved God. But I think I was always looking for confirmation of love elsewhere. At barely 19, I gave birth to a son. My adult life began with his first breath. Joe and I are so close, it is like we have a vulcan mind meld going on. But it isn’t that strange when, for the first few years of his life, he was my best friend. I was so very alone. As we tried to deal with being thrown together, he kept me going, kept em from running away. I get sadder every year as he pulls away a little more. It’s the way it is meant to be. I can’t hang onto him forever. I can already see the stirrings of adolecence creeping up in his speech and glances (read: glares).
So many times I would begin to guiltily wonder what my life would have been like had I toed the line. I don’t get too far into that daydream though. After the first few steps it feels wrong, meaningless. God’s providence has given us a wonderful life. We have made a lot of mistakes, and not all of them in the past. But God always steps in, dusts us off, and says, “My, my you have really made a mess of things. Let’s use all this for the something wonderful I have in mind for you.” How blessed we are. It is sad to watch your kids grow up. But how glorious it is to know that God will turn their nightmares into sweet dreams.
Posted at 4:23 pm |
On May 19, 2007 at 7:03 pm Steph said:
May 19, 2007 at 7:03 pm
This is a beautiful post! Happy Birthday, Joe.